Vicarious Violence, the Cruelest Expression of the Patriarchal Pact

Vicarious Violence, the Cruelest Expression of the Patriarchal Pact

Chapter I: Retribution for Choosing «No More»

How many times have we heard that the family is the foundation of society? But what kind of coexistence models does society rely on, if families are a nucleus of risk that may  lead to vicarious violence, the cruelest expression of the patriarchal pact?

Long before the fourth wave of feminism entered everyday conversations, the historically burdened domestic space placed upon the shoulders of the feminine was already borderline, broken.

The job reserved for women to fulfill the «what happens outside» role, asi it is referred by Maritza Duarte Alcantara in her thesis «Re-signification of Fatherhood: Experiences of Parenting and Care by Intimate Parents», went from being a cliché and a cultural practice to a national emergency.

To be a good mom! The best wife and exemplary cook seven days a week… or the unpaid domestic worker and pristine lover.

These are the roles assigned to mothers, and failing to comply with them results in being judged by family, society, and the legal system, which may end up leading to an attack on their daughters and sons.

Not meeting the imposed expectations has multiplied a type of violence that labels mothers as the worst in the world.

The patriarchal figure assigned to «correct» these mothers is the partner or father, and vicarious violence is one way of doing so.

Vicarious violence is one that affects only one gender: mothers who are separated from their daughters and sons by their ex-partners, who criminalize them. Vicarious violence involves the disappearance of minors, judicial corruption, parricide, and can culminate in femicide.

At Perimetral, we interviewed six women about cases of vicarious violence. Their explain what it implies for a mother to defend herself against social criticism, partner violence, the judicial system within patriarchal pact. And the challenges they face in rescuing their offspring turned into spoils.

The violence started before it was even detected

Living in a family under the imposed model of a couple has complications in coexistence, leading to transgressions and disputes that turn into macho violence.

Psychologist Katya Berenice Ramírez Molina refers to all the aggressions women go through before vicarious violence without even realizing it:

«When they come to therapy, the clients themselves can’t even mention their relationships as spaces of violence or threat,» she points out.

It is only when there is work to gender violence such as manipulation, coercion and physical violence against the mother.

Wwhich extends to the sons and daughters, that they begin to identify vicarious violence.

Anger, cursing, private or public pulling, and they become alert. The interviewees recount how they start to defend themselves, but when they do, they have to leave.

However, the family nucleus judges them for being «out of place», “because they misunderstood their role in the family”, they comment.

Society classifies separations not initiated by men as illegitimate.

And no, they are not allowed to put an end to it.

When they are the ones who initiate the divorce, the men take a stance of «But come on, let’s see if you get ahead by yourself, right?» When they seek separation, they  automatically assume that they have to, in quotation marks, pay for their freedom.

Maritza Duarte, specialist in Sociocultural Studies

Money and possession: What motivates vicarious violence

The separation of a couple who has children usually involves three civil demands: divorce, custody, and child support. In some cases, it is only two.

The mother leaves the aggressor’s environment to keep herself and her children safe.

Sandra Quiñónes a lawyer specialized in gender-based violence, advocates for demystifying women who support and get ahead with their families, based on how things are framed.

She mentions that society insists on making it a black and white issue:

«My mom single-handedly raised us; that romanticizes violence against women by the deadbeat dad, and no, she’s not a saint, she’s a victim,» she asserts.

And they are victims of economic violence, which in some cases becomes vicarious, although it is not socially recognized or classified as a crime.

Underreported Violence

According to the State Bank of Data on Cases and Information of Violence against Women in Jalisco in 2018, 798 reports of economic violence and 792 of patrimonial violence.

Together, they account for 30% of the total.

In other words, if both parties reach an initial agreement in a «civilized» manner, traditionally the children live with the mother from Monday to Friday, and spend weekends with the father.

But as noted by Wilfrido Salazar Rule, a lawyer, it is the mothers who take care of the responsibilities, including civic and emotional development or reprimands, but without any compensation.

This creates an inequality because «it’s always up to the mom to be on top of the boy or girl, telling them: do your homework, clean your room, run errands, wash the dishes, while the dad gets the noble part, the part of leisure, the part of going to the park,» comments the human rights expert lawyer.

Separation with Revenge

Men «punish» women through economic control for leaving them and socially ridiculing them after having left them, as revealed in the collected testimonies and stories.

Although they are traditionally the providers, they provide, but from a secure space, states Maritza Duarte Alcántara, who holds a PhD in Sociocultural Studies from the Universidad Autónoma de Aguascalientes.

Men are taught to work, but to work for themselves; women are taught domestic chores for others, and they end up last. So, the issue here is that men are exceptional providers, yes, but for themselves. When the bond dissolves, they protect the domestic space because it is their safe space where they will be treated like kings.

When that safe space is no longer theirs, they lose all responsibility and say: «Now, my home is my mom’s house, another house, or my new partner’s house.»

The constant among the women we interviewed is that they yearn for their child on a daily basis, not knowing when they will return, how they are, or what their psychological and emotional condition is due to the separation.

Children at Risk Under the Custody of the Aggressor

Claudia Angélica Rangel Martínez is a psychologist, state and federal expert, activist, and companion for victims of gender-based violence and child sexual abuse. We asked her about the traumas and damages caused by vicarious violence and the father’s revenge.

The biggest concern for women who have also experienced violence with their partners is that this violence will be replicated in their sons and daughters. This is the fear of women who are desperately seeking help to bring the children back to a healthy environment. Many women even say: «You know what? If they are not with me, it’s fine, but they should go with their grandma or aunt. Let the support network be diversified because the abuser, if he has the children, is potentially prone to violent behavior.»

Psychologist and Expert Witness

Tomorrow and in the following days, we will delve into cases where the Judicial Power of the State of Jalisco maintains the patriarchal pact with fathers.

The National Front against Vicarious Violence, what women magistrates reveal is the harm to childhood, and how socially the friendships of families dissociate.

Illustration: Pinche Einnar @PincheEinnar. Publication date: June 17, 2022.

YOU CAN READ THE SECOND ARTICLE OF THIS SERIE Vicarious Violence, the Cruelest Expression of the Patriarchal Pact HERE.

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